I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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