Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
