I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
