i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize