tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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