I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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