My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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