I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
