If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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