you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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