onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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