That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
