"it" just moved
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
