my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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