You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
