So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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