I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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