dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
