I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
