We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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