I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
