oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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