I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
