I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
