Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
