i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
