Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
