I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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