She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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