He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
