He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
