I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
