watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
