I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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