Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
