So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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