Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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