You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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