our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
