You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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