He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
