They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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