My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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