Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
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