we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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