She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
