let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
