i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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