Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
