I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
