I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
