Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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