I just threw up on my dentist
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
