First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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