Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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