A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
