i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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