I'm pants shitting drunk right now
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
