I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
