Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
