Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
