Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
