Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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