The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize