I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
