i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
