dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you will always have a special place in my vag
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize