u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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