Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
