I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
