The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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