Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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