Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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